Remember people, don't do this.

DSC00262
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

As fun as it may look, you have no one to blame but yourself when everytime you look away from your bedroom for like, two seconds, there's a suspicious, warm hairy crop circle on your white comforter.

See you May 12. And don't forget to share your puppy stories via comments.

DOG SAGAS WILL RETURN MAY 12.

Jay Bird is living his life like it's golden in the tony downtown apartment of Robot's brother, Medium Robot.

Lola and Ryder are at their Nannies'. Lola is representin' in a 'Lola loves The Ponys' t-shirt that I got her from a super-great custom clothing company. Ryder is naked as ever, but is about to have a rockin' good time at the sitter. Except for the universal hazing:

OTHER DOG: So. You're Lola's little brother huh? Walk around with your pants around your ankles, pronto.
RYDER: ...help.
OTHER DOG: Hey dude, did you buy an elevator pass? You can buy mine for ten bucks.
RYDER: ...elevator?

So our house will be full of housesitter, but pet-less and us-less until mid-May. Robot and I are going to the Mexican Pipeline. I can't swim and he can't surf. But I can take pictures.

In the meantime, feel free to use the comment button to tell us how your puppy raising is going...

Have a good May.

On the verge of 13 weeks...

Ryder Roman likes to chase the cat. And even though Jay gives him a good slapping, the boy is hard-headed. He doesn't growl or anything, he just kinda doesn't know when to quit. He gallops after all of us the same way. And he just doesn't understand that this showdown is between Jay and the fly he is chasing all over the house. I put the smackdown on him anyway - hard. In fact, I'm gonna put his training collar on him so next time he chases, it won't be pretty.

He's a WHOLE lot better at not nipping. In fact, I haven't had to correct him a lot in the past two weeks.

You know about the three rules right? Well he wasn't doing so great with the "I can take anything out of your mouth at any time" rule. A few weeks ago, touching the Ridiculous Bone would get you snarled at. And even a small puppy snarling at you can be alarming. Especially when that puppy has begun to grow into his Hound-of-Hell genes. Bull breeds always look like tiny demons.

But screw that.

If I can't control him now, what will happen when he weighs more than I do? So yelled at him and snatched the bone back. Then I gave it to him. Then I took it back. Until he just accepted that I AM A GODDESS, LITTLE DOG-LING. And now he's better. He was always good with food and toys. But that bone was just too damn tasty for the humans to be messing around with. So I need to get him something else tempting and play take-away again. That still needs work.

As far as potty training, he still has a pee accident every few days. But he hasn't pooped in the house in weeks.

He now sleeps until around eight in the morning. I try to wake up early and scoop him out before he cries, so he knows that I AM THE GODDESS, GIVER OF BATHROOM BREAKS WHENEVER I PLEASE.

He is still not allowed unsupervised play in the house. Well, not when I'm on duty. If I'm not pretty much staring at him, he's crated. Robot lets him run around the floor when he's working in his office.

This week Lola and Ryder got unexpected treats - sleep in bed for a while. Lola is delightful to spoon as long as she doesn't have gas. I know you're not supposed to, but Lola got a few invites up into my bed when she was wee and it didn't spoil her....

I know, I know. As 130-pound Future Ryder humps my leg I'll be so very sorry for letting him think he is good enough to sleep in my bed.

Remember Herbie dude?

DSC00137-1
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

Herbie's not doing so great these days. Herbie's missing all his limbs now.
But he's had a lot of...love.

And there's the man of the hour.

DSC00186-1
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

The twelve week old Ryder Roman.

Jay's eyes are not green.

DSC00189-1
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

They are golden.
What a great day.

Lola Grazing

DSC00209-1
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

This is why I wanted a yard.

OPEN LETTER TO JET MAGAZINE

Okay my people,
I went to your site to try to find a feedback address but alas, none was apparent. I did find out how to apply for Beauty of the Week though and hell, even with my flat booty, I might give it a shot.

HOWEVER, you must correct the statement that suggests that it is a good idea to get a pet from a pet store. Pet stores are NEVER a good place to get a dog or cat. In addition to the fact that they come from puppymills where dogs and cats are bred until they are used up and cast aside, you're paying an ASSLOAD of money for what adds up to a MUTT. Go to the AKC site and look up Cockapoo. Or BishonBeagle. Or Pugapoo. T'aint there.

That, Jet Magazine, is a mutt. Mutts are great. And any Humane Society has like, a LEGION of them for under a hundred, WITH THEIR NAUGHTY BITS ALREADY ALTERED. And they're probably healthier too. Pet stores are totally taking people for SUCKERS.

Although you have a bikini spread, you're a news magazine. You have an obligation to get it right.

So get it right.

No pet stores. Ever.

Yaaaay!

So Robot took both dogs to Garfield Park for a long walk. He also likes to let them check out the water, in hopes that one day he and Ryder can be all Mark Spitz.

Whatever.

I can't swim. Lola's never been swimming. That's that for us.

So the dogs, much to Robot's happy surprise, RUN to the water's edge. Yippeee, thinks Robot, they like water. Nay, they love water and it is my duty to make our whole family swim and canoe and boat and whatnot. So he gets to the water's edge and realizes the dogs are looking at...a penguin? What is that?

A dead, decomposing cat.

ROBOT: Yuck.
DOGS: Yaaaaaaaay! A nasty smell to try to roll in! Forget the water! Go for the dead cat!

Welcome to Dog World dude. It'll never make sense.

Who pooped? Well we know who farted.

It seems that all hell breaks loose if you take your eyes off the puppy for a second. And its not just because of Ryder.

The other day we had to play a rousing game of 'Who Pooped?"
I come into the kitchen and my nose alarm goes off. There's a foul turd somewhere, and I have to find it. Oh. Right there under the scaffolding. I'm thinking, RYDER! (to the tune of Jet-SON!) But then again, those are REALLY BIG TOOTSIE ROLLS to be coming out of Ryder.

So I'm all Columbo. Robot, get the tape measure and a scale.

Uh oh, I think this might be a Lola special. Maybe? Ryder is getting bigger. Jay? Hell Robot? Everyone's a suspect. Partially because I'm really hoping that my Lola Girl isn't sad and pooping her displeasure in the destroyed kitchen. She seems okay, even when Ryder grabs her collar (and skin) and leads her about. Occasionally she puts the smackdown on Ryder when he's too nippy but for the most part she just puts up with it. She's definitely okay with the fact that she gets to Hoover up leftover puppy food. Which we are NOT okay with. Even when Lola was a puppy, Ruth (Dog Nanny) switched her to adult food because puppy food is really rich and makes her FART these nasty thick farts that Robot swears he can taste.

DOG SAGAS TIP WORTH REPEATING: If your puppy is FARTING like crazy, switch to size appropriate adult formula. Easier on the tummy.

I can only give her more love, just to be sure she's not lacking.

So the winner of the Who Pooped game? Who knows?

But I do know this: Puppy = Alarm Clock

At about 6 am each morning, The Sony Ryder Dream Machine springs to life begging for a bathroom break. As opposed to his 3am AND 6am wakings, we're doing well. Under the guise of letting Robot bond with his puppy, I have managed to escape morning duty all but twice.

My duties include EXCESSIVE lovin' up of Lola and Jay to try to keep them happy. And dude, that's a full-time part-time job.

Looking for a Cane Corso puppy?

Puppy Rerun!!
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

No, we're not giving Ryder up.

He does have FOUR siblings that need homes though. They are eleven weeks old - much older than this picture, which was taken when they were like, new. Now they're around 20 pounds with natural ears and docked tails. You can tell their personalities MUCH better now, as in this photo they were busy mastering things like standing, eating and pooping.

They are grandkids of the Famous Enzo - he of the Terrific Hips. And they come from the always gracious Tea and the "I'm-So-Mellow-I'm-Unsuitable-For-Professional-Security-Work-Does-Anybody-Want-To-Toast-Marshmallows-And-Sing-Campfire-Songs?" Roman.

Ryder is shaping up to be a great dog - his hobbies include leading my Bullmastiff around by her leash, parading about with bowls and learning English in Eight Easy Lessons. Oh it sounds like crowing now, but just you wait until he masters the vowels.

The Indiana Couple have been very selective about the homes they allow the dogs to go to. So while they could have more money and fewer puppies left, they have turned away the shady.

So if you are not shady, hit the comment button below and leave your email. I will forward it to the Indiana Couple.

Eleven weeks with Ryder

He still barks when he wants out of the crate.

HE'S DOING IT NOW IN FACT. Because there are children outside and he feels that they haven't had enough of THE RYDER. Robot let some kids take Ryder's leash and run him halfway down the block. I can assure you that there is no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I would have allowed that. Too worried. Worried about the kids. Worried about the kids letting him off leash. Worried about small gremlins who might show up and steal both kids and Puppy Lola. This is where Robot is much better than I am.

Ryder is still peeing in the house - he doesn't have housebreaking down yet. But he tries. I doubt we're much farther than anyone else. Although the West Coast folks all say their puppies got housebroken in like two hours. I told Robot THEY LIE! There's probably a mountain of poop hidden under their couch.

We keep the other two pets' love tanks as full as possible and neither have peed on our valuables lately so I guess it's working.

I can still pick him up.

I have photos of he and Lola but I'm TOTALLY at my Flickr limit. He is still smaller than she is.

Puppy daycare = Puppy that is too tired to annoy in the pm.

Let me sing the praises of See Spot Run, my dog nannies, once again.

For although I praise them often, I don't do it enough. Because I see that the daily playgroups I paid for Lola to go to as a pup played a huge role in me not dropping a phone book on her head. Most people do not have enough energy to amuse a puppy enough to tire him out at night. Even a stay at home/take him with you puppy daddy like Robot.

But other dogs? Oh yes, they have the energy.

A day of constant romping with other dogs makes Ryder EXHAUSTED. Which is just the way we like him when we come home. We meaning Lola, Jay and I. Otherwise, he SCREAMS in the crate because he wants some new stimulation.

I assumed Lola was just very quiet. And Bullmastiffs are. But puppy daycare really helps your puppy not drive you crazy.

Ten weeks of Cane Corso puppy.

We think the boy may have separation anxiety. Unless you EXHAUST him, he cries if he can't be very near Robot. I don't know what to do about barking, as I purposely picked a breed that a librarian could love.

He is also the king of the escape. Robot puts him in his crate and twenty minutes later he's quiet. You think he's gone to sleep. Nope, he's going through your tax reciepts years 1998-the present.

Folks, the baby gate fell over and clattered loudly on Lola twice when she was a puppy. That's all it took for her to be suspicious that it would squash her like the trash compactor scene in Star Wars.

He is also very curious about the cat. Nothing aggressive, just trying to get a sniff. But Jay is perfectly able to take care of himself, and gives Ryder a thorough slapping. Then he slaps Lola for good measure.

I keep encouraging Robot to call Greg from Fortissima to get the inside track on Cane Corso behaviour, but he feels bad because he didn't buy the puppy Fortissima had. For the love of God we have Enzo's grandbaby! And we know it is true because Ryder can leap a baby gate the same way.

I'm sure Greg wants to see Ryder and help people who are trying to raise his grand-puppy right.

Ryder. Now with nuts.

DSC00087
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

The testicles have dropped.

You can tell he's becoming a man, 'cause he's all too cool for school on his pops' lap.

This is what happened when Ryder and Robot went to work today:

ROBOT: He went by the door!
GUY AT WORK: What did he do? He crapped by the door?
ROBOT: Noooo! He went by the door and looked at me to let me know he has to go out! Do you know HOW GREAT THAT IS?!
GUY AT WORK:...
GUY AT WORK:...
GUY AT WORK:...Yeah?

People think dogs COME already programmed. They don't. So CELEBRATE with your local puppy owner dammit!

Ryder's First Ridiculous Bone.

DSC00091
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

He is wise to watch for Bullmastiff thieves.

I practiced one of the three lessons with this prize - I can take anything away from you, at any time. You will say nothing.

It went well.

The way to a Bullmastiff's heart.

DSC00089
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

Is a GIGANTIC edible bone.

People, a man stopped his van dead in the middle of the alley. Lola and her bone are quite a sight to see.

Jay did the same thing at first.

Today, I got a call from Robot:

BOT: Guess what your dog did?
WEST: Hmm...flew to a third world country and saved a village from a mudslide?
BOT: No.
WEST: Called Anna Wintour and convinced her that fawn is the new black?
BOT: No. She looked me in the eye, lifted her leg and peed on your wicker bag of CDs.
WEST: Hmmm
BOT: It sounded like a toilet overflowing. There's soooo much pee on the floor that I don't even know how to get it up. Mop it? Shop Vac? I damn near have to bail the house out before it sinks.

I think I said a few comfoting things before I IMMEDIATELY called Ruth from See Spot Run. She confirmed what I was thinking - the only time *I* have seen Lola lift her leg (!) was when I was going to adopt that Neapolitan Mastiff boy. He'd mark, then she'd follow and mark. This thing probably has to do with little Ryder being in her space, taking the smiles and pets of Lola's pack.

And even though I try to be sure her love tank is EXTRA full, she still wants a lot of attention from her Robot.

And when I think about it, she's been through a lot this past few months. I moved twice. She went from living alone, to living with two dogs, to living alone again. Then came Robot. Then came Jay. Then came a sidebar of kittens (I'll tell you later). Then the kittens left. Now here's Ryder. Plus she lives outside the pickup range of her dog sitters so she used to go everyday and now she goes maybe once a week, if that. And before Ryder, she and Robot spent a lot of time together.

And when Jay first moved in, he went PEE in a YSL showbox, a Gucci shoebox and all inside a big plastic storage box of my papers. And on some of Robot's expensive design books. And when we let him stay with my mom at The Manor, he PEED in her closet because he doesn't like her cat. Nothing personal. He just wants to be the only pet if possible.

Robot was MAD AS HELL.

But pets go through funny little anxious periods just like humans. We took Jay to the vet to rule out any sickness (that's what you do when your cat suddenly thinks house = litterbox with carpet). He seemed fine. So then we decided to help Jay be good - close the closet door and the door to my office when we aren't home. Keep important stuff up off the floor. And most effectively, I believe, we LOVE UP ON HIM OFTEN. He is the only one allowed to sleep with us. Robot spoils him with Tuna. He is the only pet allowed in Robot's office, so he gets a lot of time to walk on the keyboard and sit on whatever Robot is trying to read.

So now we have to do the same with Lola. I'm adding love, but I'm also reducing her freedom to help her behave better. Right now she has the run of the second floor when we aren't home. She has never had that much freedom. I'm going to restrict her to one large, open room where there's nothing to ruin. The crate might come out. I'm working on her obedience - she's sooo good. It just reinforces the fact that she's only as good as we EXPECT her to be.

I have to buy her a new prong collar though, and Ryder a new leash because I gave them to some young boys in the neighborhood who were being pulled along by two pit mixes. Good dogs and good kids it seemed. Robot and I tried to give them an impromptu dog training class, but mostly I told them not to let the dogs drag them and they aren't to drag the dogs either.

You have to love kids who try to walk a dog with some sort of linen belt and a collar.

Anyhow, the moral of the Lola and Jay story is, pets have emotions.Just like humans. I think people often forget. And people also forget that there are ways to help them deal with their emotions in a proper way. Just like humans.

Ryder's first vet appointment.

He's 21 pounds (nine pounds bigger than the day we got him).
He's healthy.
And...
HIS TESTICLES HAVE DROPPED.

LORD HAVE MERCY! THE TESTICLES HAVE DROPPED!

I feel like we should have a party or something. Isn't this a big day in a boy's life?

Tuesday we screwed up.

Tuesday, Robot went on a day trip with a friend to a furniture auction.
I went to my usual daily annoyance, and so Robot wanted to take Ryder for his very first daycare.

Awwwwww.

Robot was left super early. So I loaded up the truck by my lonesome and took 'em to daycare. Let me say here that I'm really not sure how people do this with humans. Lola was in a BIG hurry to get inside and GET THE PARTY STARTED! Ryder was in the mood to sleep in the back seat.

And Ryder is reaching the countdown to no picking up. It's funny, they're still light enough for you to hold, but it's like gravity alternates between calling one fat paw, one thick thigh, one giant head down to the ground at a time. So they get increasingly hard to hold, and you have to really position yourself for maximum leverage to lift them.

So I wrestled him out of the back seat and into the facility.

The first thing I was asked was if he was AT LEAST up to his second set of shots. I wasn't sure and called Robot. Couldn't get him, but I sorta remember two columns being checked in his vet records.

I think.

So Lola's wonderful nanny said she'd keep him to himself pretty much, but it isn't safe for him to be around other dogs without his shots. Puppies catch things from grown dogs.

But I had to leave him. And I couldn't remember.

I didn't hear from Robot until that afternoon - his vet appointment for Ryder's second shot was the next day.

FUCKFIRE.

I wanted to get all HUFFY because I'm the overprotective dog owner who took Lola to the vet, like the day after I got her. For two reasons. I wanted to get a schedule of vaccinations so I could make a calendar of appointments and I wanted to get a grip on any preventative stuff I needed to do. The second reason is so if I got some kind of LEMON of a Bullmastiff, I could drive back to Alsip and headbutt the breeder.

I can't help it I'm a Taurus.

Many breeders want you to take the puppy within three days so that there is some kind of third party evaluation of the initial health of the puppy. Of course some things they won't be able to tell, but a lot of things they will see. Including how well the breeder has been taking care of the puppy.

But Ryder had been to the vet for shots the day before we came to get him. Robot called to make an appointment but his vet said there was no reason to do so, wait until time for next shots.

Well. I worried about that for major part of the day and then decided to let it go.

It's like falling out of a shopping cart. What will be will be.

And you don't have to do EVERYTHING perfect to have a good, healthy dog.

"Sure you can pet my puppy!"

Ryder had his first walk on Michigan Avenue - street of Burberry, Gucci, Chanel and the Apple store.

Approximately seven million people stopped to pet him and Lola. Ryder saw a man play the saxaphone. When we got to the Apple store, I stood outside until I got the okay from an employee to bring the hounds inside. Lola sprawled herself on the floor and so did I, since they don't EVEN SELL batteries for my ancient Titanium (the best) PowerBook anymore.

I considered peeing on the floor in rebellion, but decided that would be very Grandpa Simpson of me.

Earlier we'd spent time in the Chicago Recording Studio where they allowed Robot, Ryder and Lola to come into a studio to wait while I work. I couldn't be prouder of the both of them, except Lola gave a female producer's crotch a DEEP sniff. I keep trying to explain that you really don't have to get to know people QUITE that well...

Ryder also made like, his third trip to Petsmart, where we ride him in the basket for maximum human contact and minimal dog contact. On the way out, Ryder decided to pull yet another Chuck Norris in Delta Force move and FLUNG himself out of the cart. He fell three feet to the concrete.

I knew what Robot was thinking. The same thing I thought when Lola pulled a crazy ninja belly flop. The same thing EVERY first time big dog puppy raiser thinks:

HOLY SHIT DOG! YOU'RE GONNA POP YOUR HIP JOINTS OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS BEFORE YOU EVEN GET HIP DYSPLASIA!

But they're tougher than you think. Ryder jumped up and was ready for the next adventure, bragging to Lola, "Didja see me? I was flying! Until I fell. But for a second there..."

Ryder is also getting good at coming down stairs, even though we don't let him very often (watching those hips).

Ryder's First Playdate

DSC00024
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

Lola is tuckered in the background because her friends Cooper, Bo and Poppy came over to see her earlier. Ryder was out with Robot, so he missed the afternoon antics.

But he had a manageable ball with Otto on his nine week birthday!

Thanks Otto! Come again!

I swear they're playing.

demonmaggie
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

This is an old photo of Lola playing with her girl Maggie the Dobie. Although Maggie looks like a demon, she's just mid-bark. And althought Lola looks like she's wincing, I just caught her mid-shake.

Dog play often looks like fighting.

I tell you this so you don't panic when your puppy starts nipping and bouncing away or standing up like two bucks competing for the last doe.

How can you find your pup some friendly strangers to play with?

Try a dog park. But before you let your dog play, go check it out. Many parks have their regulars. Watch how the dogs play together. How do they receive new dogs? Puppies?

Are there a LOT of unneutered dogs? I don't like that - especially more dominant breeds like Pits, Rotts, etc. It takes a strong, responsible hand to raise these dogs well. It takes an even stronger hand to raise one of these dogs with a hormonally driven desire to spread his seed and remove all competitors.

When the owners talk dog, do you agree with what they're saying? How many times do they have to break up a REAL beef? Two dogs snarling and tussling hard?

If you pick a good park, you'd be surprised at how well the dogs (and owners) get along. There shouldn't be a lot of fights.

When you hang out enough, you can tell the difference between a little rough-housing, an older dog teaching a younger dog some manners, a playing dog who is just very vocal and a straight brawl.

Robot supervises his very first playdate.

DSC00052
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

While little Ryder-Boy is still too small to go to the dog park, it IS okay to let him play with other dogs whose owners you trust.

This is Otto the Pug who belongs to our friends Berger & Jen. Otto is a stately eight, but just nine week old Ryder's size.

Post Doo-Doo Fest 2005

Shower
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

One day Robot left Ryder in his crate while he went out. Me being Puppy Disciplinarian, left him upstairs in his crate while Lola and I ate Bon Bons downstairs.

I didn't go running because it was stormy, and you don't comfort a dog when he is showing fear. It tells him that he is right to be scared. I also figured he was screaming because, Ryder, being the Daddy's Puppy that he is, frequently SCREAMS like Ron Jeremy getting his bikini line waxed if Robot leaves his sight.

But I was wrong. Well, he probably was screaming because of the above, but was also saying that event though he'd had a potty break before Robot left, he needed to Number Two. BIG TIME.

So Robot came home to Doo-Doo Fest 2005. Frantic Ryder pooped, then stepped in it, then flung it outside the crate as far as he could. It was in his toes, on his back – everywhere.

Robot just stripped and took Ryder into the shower.

I wish I'd done that more with Lola when she was his size. She'll put up with a shower, but Ryder will probably be better at that.

After Doo-Doo Fest, of course I felt bad. I'm such a hard ass about the rules. But now I'll know that he's not just screaming for Robot.

He's screaming because Doo-Doo II is coming to town and he wants to go and drop them off outside.

Lola likes this small minion.

DSC00500
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

Formal Measuring Methods.

DSC00497
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

This is Ryder only one day shy of nine weeks. We've decided to mark his progress by two things - how big he is compared to Lola and if we can still pick him up.

One Big Happy on a Saturday Morning

DSC00504
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

Lola is bored. Jay is livid. Ryder is clueless. But Robot and I are amused.

Story of my life with Lola.

DSC00438
Originally uploaded by west end girl.

I hug her, she's kinda bored with me.

But shut up and take it dog. You WILL know that you are loved as much as new puppy.